After an absolutely wonderful date last night, I’m sitting here in retrospect. I feel that I have lost sight of my life. I shouldn’t be dating at my age, I should be comfortably in love with someone and welcoming old age with him. Where did I go wrong? What did I do so bad to put my life in such a turmoil? Why is it I keep losing the men that I love?
It’s so hard to live like this, I feel I’m going to turn into a couple of my aunts. They grew old alone and bitter. I don’t want to end up like that, I want to be loved and to love just one special person. I thought I had that, I thought I was going to grow old with my ex. Now I’m wondering how everything spiraled out of control that I couldn’t fix it.
I’m a fixer that’s what I do, but I just couldn’t fix what we had this time. I’m feeling like a complete failure as a woman, wife, and step mother. I feel myself withdrawing from the world in general. I can’t seem to be what I used to be, and that is a vibrant woman that could make anyone laugh. I can’t even make myself laugh at this point.
How could I not fix what was wrong, I fought so hard and long to fix it and I feel that it should have worked. I know I said in another post that I can’t let him hurt me, but it’s days like these that missing him is unbearable. I’m lonely, depressed, and longing for his sweet kisses and wonderful touch. I know that I can’t have that anymore, but it doesn’t stop the longing.
I just need a sign from god to show me which way to go. I’m confused, a part of me wants to stay where I am at and hope he comes back. Then there’s the overwhelming part knows that if I become complacent, I will never find love again. That’s what scares me the most, I can’t do alone. I have the need to nurture a long relationship with love. Can I do that though, really will I ever find it again?
I guess only time will tell, but right now I need to dry my eyes and somehow pull myself back up out of this funk. I need to be strong, but with days like this it seems better to just curl up in a ball. Most of all, I just want to know what is it that I’m doing wrong, why can’t I keep love?