Archive | January 2012

A Hard Day….

After an absolutely wonderful date last night, I’m sitting here in retrospect.  I feel that I have lost sight of my life.  I shouldn’t be dating at my age, I should be comfortably in love with someone and welcoming old age with him.  Where did I go wrong?  What did I do so bad to put my life in such a turmoil?  Why is it I keep losing the men that I love?

It’s so hard to live like this, I feel I’m going to turn into a couple of my aunts. They grew old alone and bitter.  I don’t want to end up like that, I want to be loved and to love just one special person.  I thought I had that, I thought I was going to grow old with my ex.  Now I’m wondering how everything spiraled out of control that I couldn’t fix it.

I’m a fixer that’s what I do, but I just couldn’t fix what we had this time.  I’m feeling like a complete failure as a woman, wife, and step mother.  I feel myself withdrawing from the world in general.  I can’t seem to be what I used to be, and that is a vibrant woman that could make anyone laugh.  I can’t even make myself laugh at this point.

How could I not fix what was wrong, I fought so hard and long to fix it and I feel that it should have worked.  I know I said in another post that I can’t let him hurt me, but it’s days like these that missing him is unbearable.  I’m lonely, depressed, and longing for his sweet kisses and wonderful touch.  I know that I can’t have that anymore, but it doesn’t stop the longing.

I just need a sign from god to show me which way to go.  I’m confused, a part of me wants to stay where I am at and hope he comes back.  Then there’s the overwhelming part knows that if I become complacent, I will never find love again.  That’s what scares me the most, I can’t do alone.  I have the need to nurture a long relationship with love. Can I do that though, really will I ever find it again?

I guess only time will tell, but right now I need to dry my eyes and somehow pull myself back up out of this funk.  I need to be strong, but with days like this it seems better to just curl up in a ball.  Most of all, I just want to know what is it that I’m doing wrong, why can’t I keep love?


Have you ever?…..

Have you ever cared for someone so much that you wish you were there to ease their pain?  Have you ever wished the miles between you weren’t even a factor so that you could be with them?

Well I have, I have a very dear friend that is hurting right now and it sometimes seems that I just don’t have the right words to get through to them that I am there.  No matter what kind of hell they are going through, no matter how bad the emotional pain is I’m there to lend a kind ear, or helping hand, or even to hold them to get through their anguish.

I too know the type of pain that my friend is going through.  I lived through it with no help, which is the worst to tell you the truth.  I know at times you feel like your going totally insane because the hurt is so bad.  I still live with it at times, but I push through the tears and the pain to forgive.

I can no longer take the abuse of the ex, he put me through so much that no one will ever know the full extent.  He still does at times, but you know I just can’t let him hurt me anymore.  I am moving onward and upward, without letting him block me anymore to finding happiness.  Will I stop loving him, no never can I ever be back with him no never.  His time has come and gone and I forgive him.

Remember though that Karma is a bitch, they will wish one day that they hadn’t done what they did.  When it gets really bad for you just remember this:


We all go through challenges in life, whether it is friend, family, relationship, work, or financial.  Some challenges will test us to our extreme breaking point, some we will over come like it was just a little dip in the road.  Either way, these challenges strengthen us in the end.

Relationship challenges are the worst, we all know that.  To relationships are like gardens, they need a lot of love and tending to grow into big beautiful flowers.  Unfortunately, some weeds come at times that throw our garden into despair.  Some of the weeds are easy to pluck out, but the strongest of weeds destroy our garden all together.

The weeds that I am talking about are lies and cheating.  These two things will always hurt our relationship to, sometimes, disrepair.  In my case, it ended a perfectly wonderful 15 year marriage.  It may have killed my garden, but I still believe in love.  I know in my heart of hearts that I will find love again, it’s just a wait.  Until then, I will not be bitter or angry, I will keep going and tend little patches until I find my big english garden again.  

Have quite a few things on my mind…..

Today is a wierd day today, I slept 10 hours last night and now my brain seems to be working in over time.  I am thinking mostly why men tend to treat woman so different during the dating process.  There is a lot of men that are just about dogging women out there, getting what they want then moving on.

Don’t promise something that you can’t deliver men, if you don’t want nothing but a piece of tail then say so.  Don’t start this elaborate story that you know you aren’t going to live up to.  Believe me honesty works, I had been honest with every guy that came into my life during the getting to know me time.  I simply said sorry if your looking for a relationship but I can’t seem to do it right now.

Please, if you want to be an FWB know what it means to be so.  FRIENDS with benefits is that, you need to be my friend first benefits later.  There is no just calling for some booty, you better be calling to hang out.  If you continually call for booty then it is a not FWB acceptable.  That means you forego the friend line and head straight to the booty call.

I’m really not trying to be a man hater here really, I just need to get these things off my chest.  So if you really want to know what I’m really thinking here this should explain it:


Welcome to my blog

I would like to thank you for coming to my blog.  This is my Introductory post to explain a little bit about this blog.   I have been blogging for close to a year now, unfortunately it was on a site that deals with getting partners for sex.  It has been great, fun, ugly, and crazy all at the same time.

I must warn you that most of the content in this blog is for mature audiences only.  I do not mince words, and some things will be racy so I ask that if you are under 18 please leave now.  If you may be offended easily, this isn’t the place for you either.  I am no longer leading that perfect life of marriage, love, a dog, a house with a picket fence, and the happily ever after.  This shows the ugliness of dating in this day and age.

So now that you have heard the warnings, onto the ugliness of the day.  As I said earlier I have been blogging on a sex site now for almost a year.  I have gone into the chat rooms to chat with others, and yes I have met a few men.  The thing is I do not date white men, my preference is black men.  There are reasons for that, which I will go into later.

While in the chat room I frequented, I have made a few friends or so I thought.  Things have gotten so ugly as of late that I no longer go into the chat room.  This has happened just because of assumptions,  one person was seeing a guy from the room and they broke up.  Well this person assumed that it was I that this man had gone to.

I have realized through all this that most women are really snarky.  It doesn’t matter that it didn’t happen and I found someone else, it’s just they decided to  point their fingers at me.  I also found out that those that you thought were friends, are just lemmings.  They would rather follow the in crowd, then to have a thought of their own.  Well at this point and time, I hope they all follow each other off a cliff.  I’m done with this whole mess, and I’m only going to worry about what I do next.

Once again, thanks for stopping by and reading my intoductory post.  Until next time keep it hot.

This entry was posted on January 25, 2012. 1 Comment