Archive | May 2012

My broken heart

I guess it’s because I have been sick lately, I am seeing the cracks that I forgot to seal.  It’s either that or I didn’t seal them good enough and some of the spackle came off.  I need to do some more sealing of it I guess, being in a new relationship is hard.  I feel myself analyzing things and trying to defend myself against the inevitable hurt of him leaving,  when that may well not be the case.  He is a great guy,  I am just defensive.  My scars run deep and some are still healing.  Who am I kidding some are just scabs with festering wounds underneath that I am still nursing.

I just need to get better and get these dang teeth pulled.  Went to the dentist today and after waiting all day couldn’t be seen so it is back to them tomorrow.

I’M TIRED

I have been nice, and being nice has gotten me taken advantage of, beat down, broken, and totally disrespected.  I have taken it but now I can’t take it anymore.  I am not something that you can just throw in the gutter like trash.  I am not a punching bag,  and for gods sake when a person shows kindness is it going to kill you to reciprocate.  It seems it does, you can be there for people all that you want,  you can save them from hardships but I’ll be damned if they will even give a rats ass that you did.

They got what they want, you aren’t needed anymore.  Fine be that way, see if anyone else will do that for you.  See if anyone else will save you from being on the street.  See if anyone else will stay up and hold your hand while you cry because you just got hurt.  See if anyone else will do things for you. 

I have cared way to much for other individuals, passed what I should have.  I have been their guardian angel when they needed me.  Well guess what world this guardian angel just lost her wings and has grown horns.  Forget what you heard,  I brought the old me back.  If no one likes it then walk out, hell your not the first and you sure wont be the last.  Everyone wanted to push me to ugliness and that is what you get. 

Rant brought to you by beer, tequila, and rum.  So much for being on the wagon LOL.

All about me

I love blues, hip hop, and r&b my tastes are eclectic though I like all music it is a healer of the soul.  I like wrestling,  football,  and basketball.  I love playing chess and other games that make you use your brain.  I love to read and to write short stories its my get away.  I have beautiful sons,  grand sons and daughters.  I love family they are what make us who we are.  I love birds and I watch anime, I am a nerd at heart.  When I say I love you to someone I mean it.  When I love I love completely and forsake all others.  I laugh at stupid jokes, I cry freely at sad things and I hurt for others.  I hate liars,  cheats and fakes.  I love God and pray daily.  I wouldblove to get married again one day but not right now I want to take things slow.  I get jealous but try to contain it as much as I can.

Why you ask I am putting myself out there like this,  because people never ask about who you are. They don’t like to ask questions,  forget all that I will tell you.  I am honest to a fault and usually end up getting hurt.  Why because I open myself up to some people.  I am tired of games and not knowing well now you know about me.

What more do you need?  I love to cuddle, cook, and save money.  I have OCD and clean when I don’t have to.  Anything else because that is all of me, there is nothing else left to say. 

When did this happen

When did I become so unsure of myself?  I reread the post I made last night on here and was really taken aback at it.  I have never been like that, I always know where I stand with someone and those fears are unfounded. 

Wow I really need to stop letting my family stress and withdrawals rule my emotions. I have never been so insecure or unsure of myself why start now?  I really need to get control here.  Starting today, there will be no more of that period.  I love him and he loves me that is all I need.

No more being insecure,  I am a strong woman and can make it through anything.  I have done well for myself and am adding the love of a wonderful man.  So there pep talk done and over with.  I know he will read this so a little note to him.  I love you baby unconditionally.

My deepest fears

Please forgive me if this gets a little crazy,  I am trying to quit smoking and withdrawals are killing me.  Well not really,  it just feels like it for right now.  I just have these thoughts and I have to get them out so I can move on with life.

I fear that I love him more then he loves me.  I fear that I am not good enough for him.  I fear I am going to mess things up somehow, if I haven’t already.  I fear that I am not making him happy.  I just fear so much.

I have always been told I will never amount to anything and I will always mess things up and I fear they are right.   I think I am trying too hard and then I think I am not trying hard enough.  I had a wonderful weekend with him to come back to stress and the realization that I hate this place.  I worry too much I think, and then again that’s me.  I worry I did something wrong.  I think I need to back away and see if what he feels is right.  I feel I need him to make the next move. 

God help me get these thoughts out of my mind, I am tormenting myself.  I just want to do things right this time.