Archive | September 2012

An Off Day

I woke up this morning feeling like there was something missing in my life.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was.  I have a wonderful boyfriend we spend what time we can with each other, I finally got my  babygirl home that was stolen from me after a year and a half, and I am generally happy with my life being independent.  So what is missing, what more could I possibly need?

Then it hit me, family, home, security, another head to help me put together things instead of doing things on my own.  God help me, I never thought I would ever say this, but I miss being married.  Where the heck did that come from?  I am happy with what I have with my sweetheart, yeah I joked about if kept up the good work he would change my mind about marriage.  That was just a joke, I might miss it but what is the reason behind it?  What is the logical reason why I miss being that way when living together with someone can be just the same.

I just think what it is, is the holidays are coming up again.  Year two of the holiday season probably sitting with another turkey tv dinner and watching tv.  Hearing other people say they are going to their families for dinner.  I used to wonder why so many people ended up losing their minds on the holidays, now I know.  Last year was absolutely painful, after all it was my first year by myself totally.  This year is different from last year, since I have my sweetheart.  I actually have a lot more to be thankful about, and the steps that I have taken to get here have made me strong.

I did a lot of thinking on this, I know that I am not missing anything I am just feeling sorry for myself.  That is something that I simply can not do.  I am in love, I have everything I need, and I am strong.  So bring on the holidays, I have a lot to be thankful for.



The real reason Why I left the BDSM lifestyle.

A lot of people don’t know the real reason, I haven’t said why or given any straight answer to anyone.  Well once again I am opening up to let it out so it is dealt with once and for all.  I have told people it was because of fake doms, that is partly right.  The whole truth is a lot worse then that. 

I started seeing a guy in March of last year, we seemed compatible and yes he was an intellectual.  We clicked and we started dating exclusively, for months we had a great relationship.  Around October he asked me to marry him, I said yes.  I didn’t realize things would change so quick.  He asked me what I wanted for my birthday sexually, he said be honest, so I told him that I would like to fulfill my fantasy of two men.  He obliged me, my birthday morning he woke me up with one of his friends. 

It was pretty much a day of sex, all day long we would have sex.  I hadn’t known it but he had called my ex and had gotten quite a few of the old swing partners numbers.  He had called them to come over as a surprise for my birthday.  The night was really crazy, I won’t go into more, but it was wild. 

For days afterwards, I noticed something different in our dynamic.  Suddenly he is telling his friends to, “yeah come on over and have sex with my girl, I don’t mind”  I was not going for it, he was my dom but I am not a sex doll for everyone to play with.  Yes he was my dom but there are somethings that even I won’t do.  We were in a relationship, and he was pimping me out.  He didn’t even care enough to protect my life from std’s.  It ended badly, very badly so badly in fact I couldn’t show my face in public due to bruises. 

I walked away from him and the lifestyle for good.  I do miss it a little but not enough to go back to it. Another reason why I don’t trust easily too, because I trusted him and he smashed it to pieces.  I am stronger for it, but in the same token I have been bruised and battered throughout my life too much.  Thanks to my wonderful and sweet boyfriend he has shown me how to love and trust again.

You know what sucks

Growing up I was always told that I will never be good enough to do anything, I have spent the last 41 years trying to prove my parents wrong.  You know when you are a kid, that kind of stuff sticks in your mind.  You end up, even as an adult, believing what they said.  It was beat into my brain, that I was stupid, ugly, lazy, and the worst person to ever hit the planet.  Why in the hell did you even have me then, just so you had a whipping post to mess up for the rest of her life?

When I was working, I made sure I was successful in my field.  I over worked myself just to get there, but it drove me to show them that I wasn’t any of that stuff.  I was driven to amount to something, when they said that I wouldn’t.  I love my parents, don’t get me wrong, it’s just they didn’t realize that they were messing me up.  Yes I have major insecurities, but I try to keep them locked in a box.  Once in awhile, they accidentally slip out.  When they do I lock them back in as fast as I can, before anyone can see them. Sometimes that takes so much work though, they are trying to get out quite a lot. 

Here is my deepest darkest, and I warn you it’s not pretty.  I generally don’t ever show this to anyone, but it’s time to get them out of my head, exorcise them if you will.  I have a wonderful intelligent, sweet, sexy, handsome, loving, caring man but am I good enough for him.  Am I truly too stupid for him, am I not pretty enough for him, am I just not enough period.  I’m broken, sick, don’t have the ways or means to get to him most of the time, is that  enough to drive him away?

I got sick back in 2003, sick enough that I can’t work ever again.  So have I proved my parents right that I am lazy and never amount to anything?  Could I have tried to fight harder to stay working somehow?  Should I have let this sickness put me down?   Is there something that I can do to make things better for myself instead of struggling the way I am?

I love my sweetheart with all my heart, unconditionally.  I have to unpack these fears and bad thoughts, I need to deal with them finally once and for all.  I need to get rid of these insecurities, I know I am far from a beauty queen but I am beautiful in my own little way.  I have a good heart, I care a lot for people, animals and the earth.  I believe in respecting others and the old ways of living, where when passing on the street say hi it wouldn’t hurt no one.  I believe in helping those that need help, until they show they aren’t trying to help themselves.  I believe in love, romance, kindness, and chivalry yes I am a pure romantic.  I also believe that the old ways are best.

So for now, I might not have a lot , but what I do have I have no problem with giving.  With my boyfriend it’s all my love, my heart, my everything.

My track record

I have heard by a few people that my track record in my personal life is far from sparkling.  Thanks for the observations Capt. Obvious, so since I know a those that have said this read this blog I am going to open up my head and my heart.  I am not by any means a saint, and unless someone has lived in the mountains in a far away convent without any contact with the outside world, no one is.

Before you point fingers maybe you should listen, I have been hurt deeply so deeply that some would wonder how I even think about being in another relationship.    Lets just open my closet and let the skeletons fall where they may.  My first husband was my best friend, we never had a romantic relationship before my mom got sick.  He stuck by me and let me use his shoulder to cry on.  He was a good friend, and we messed that up.  Now I can’t talk to him nor do I want to.  My mother was dying, and we filled her last wish.  We got married, just for her, we both sacrificed for the one person we both loved.  Me more so because she was my mother.  Still the sacrifice was huge and it took a huge toll on the both of us and our friendship.  My second husband, well that’s a totally different story.

We loved each other, at first, and for a long time afterwards.  The thing is he had a wandering eye and wandering hands.  He cheated on me 3 times that I know of, probably more. I hung in there, I stayed with him because I loved him and I made a vow before God.  At the end, he chose to beat me down with words and actions, he destroyed me in itself.  The anger that came from him was vicious, and I never understood where it came from.

Lets go before that, My ex fiance, we tried 3 times to get it right.  We started seeing each other when I was seventeen, we had a relationship that burned hot but I let him go because of being stupid.  There’s more to that but I’m not ready to say what it was.  We tried again right after my first divorce, we had a house fire and he left me.  The third time, I just couldn’t do it anymore, yes I loved him but I knew he would leave again sooner or later. So we split again for the last time and remained friends.  EVERYONE I have ever loved has either left me or cheated on me.  I hung in there, and tried to make things work until it was obvious it wouldn’t.

Yes at the end of my second marriage I said I was through with love.  I was tired of being hurt, and I was tired of trying to keep things going when no one else wanted to.  I had the attitude just give me what I need and leave.  I didn’t expect to meet the man of my dreams, I didn’t expect to fall deeply in love, and I sure as hell didn’t think I could muster the strength to love again.  I did because I love him and he is the best man on earth.  Yes I have problems with trusting, but who doesn’t, I have been through hell and somehow someway pulled my ownself out of the fire without help.  I had no one to lean on, I was on my own no family and most of the time no friends.

So please do me a favor, before you assume that I am such a bad person read this.  I NEVER EVER cheated on anyone I had a relationship with.  It still holds true today, I am and always will be faithful to my boyfriend.  So don’t categorize me with the rest of the women that don’t do so good in relationships because they are always bouncing from man to man and cheating whenever they can.  I am not them, I am just very very unlucky in love.  Until now……

There’s my skeletons, now label me a bad person go ahead.  Tell me my track record stinks go ahead.  The thing is I made sacrifices to make things work, no one else did.  Now tell me if you have ever did that?

Fears and Tears

Stress can do some really bad things my friends, it can make you sick and weak.  It can also bring out fears and insecurities that you thought you had dealt with.  Then you have to rehash everything all over again, put it back in it’s place, and move on hopefully taking care of them forever.

I am here to tell you that my fears and insecurities run deep, I have brought them all out and rehashed them.  My scared little girl is still there, she is weak but she is still there.  She decided to raise her cute little head and release words that would cause anxiety.  I messed up, it’s my fault that all the stuff happened, I should’ve been more vigilante on things.  It’s my fault that I can’t make a trip this weekend, and he will get tired of this stuff and leave.  The last sentence that I heard was, you know he is too good for you take your fate now, he’s going to leave too.

Ok little girl, here’s the real so sit down and shut up. I know he loves me, I know that I love him.  I know I’m not a catch, that I have issues, that I’m scared of making the wrong steps, of making him mad, of disappointing him.  I don’t need you to tell me this, but I do know this I will love him until the end of time.  In fact this is what I would like to say to him if he could hear.

I thank you for being you
I am thankful for having you in my life
I am blessed to be in love with you
and You truly make my life better being in it

Now go back to your little corner, you are not needed now I am a strong woman and you can’t hurt me no more by your words.  Sorry little girl but you are banished forever.