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Relationships and Family Drama

We all have family drama in one form or another, but when we get stressed because of it do we confide in our significant other?  How much strain could that put on a new relationship?  For me, whatever makes my sweetheart sad, angry, hurt, or depressed I would like to know about.  I want to be their confidante, the shoulder that they need to cry on.  This last weekend, my boyfriend CeCe went to go get his daughter, now mind you he lives all the way on the Michigan lake shore and he has to drive three hours to go get her.  The drama started with his ex wife as soon as he got there, and he ended up leaving without his daughter.  I didn’t hear from him until he got home, when I did I listened to him and was his shoulder to cry on.  Even though I am 2 hours away from him,  he had a sounding board for his pain, anger and turmoil   He thanked me for being his outlet, he has never had any woman do that for him and he said that he loved me more for it.

How much family drama is too much?  How far will you go to listen to your mate, about their family, until you say enough and you don’t want to hear it?  Being in an “unconditional” relationship means that you are there for them no matter what.  You love and support them during times of trouble or strife no matter what that might be.  It’s seems sad to me that this concept is lost to most people in this day and age.  Everything is about instant gratification and not about being a supporter in a relationship these days.  This is why divorce rates are so high, if things get too rough it is better to walk on then talk things out.  To me this is very sad, when I was growing up it was nothing to hear that a couple had been together 30, 40, or 50 years.  The longest I have heard a couple being together in this day and age has been between 10 and 20, divorce has been so much easier to obtain then dealing with the problems.  Relationships are also a lost concept, yes there are a few that get into them but it is so much easier to walk away,  instead of trying to build something lasting.

These days,  the internet has afforded us a way to date more people then ever.  If a person wants to cheat, that is easy also just go on a sex site and find someone who will help you cheat.   The thought of building a strong foundation for a relationship is generally not an issue anymore since being with someone for a night or week is so much easier to obtain.  We need to get back to the basics in relationships, we need to remember what the generations before us have done, instead of looking at the fast easy way that today affords.  Maybe then relationships will last longer.  So my thought about how much family drama is too much, it is unlimited.  I am there to be a best friend and confidante to my mate no matter what, I live by the old ways in that aspect.  If everyone thought that way, this world might be a whole lot happier.

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The best discussion I have ever had with my boyfriend.

Last night, my boyfriend and I were talking about change.  The best thing I have ever heard was during our conversation he said, “I never want to change you, you are beautiful the way you are but if you want to change in some way it is best to change for the better and I support you.”  For so many years I stayed the same, I was more comfortable being a tomboy and wear jeans then being a lady and wear dresses.  As much as I dislike my ex boyfriend, he showed me that being a lady is a good change.  With him I felt beautiful and desirable for the first time in my life.  I didn’t have to be tough, I was afforded to be soft with him and for that I will be eternally grateful.  I have taken the change from that relationship into the new one, which the new boyfriend is happy with.

Why are we so afraid to change, even if it is for the better?  It is because we step outside our comfort zone, we move in another direction and that can be truly scary.  Whether it be a new job, or a new way of dressing and doing things we are afraid to do anything different.  We actually have to make ourselves try new things at times, and in some cases, what we try will make our life more fulfilling.  So go ahead change your appearance, try new food, try travelling, start that new job, expand your horizons I myself know that in the end we will be happier.  We must love ourselves enough to expand ourselves, so don’t be afraid to change for the better.  You will be better, and life will be more fulfilling instead of being stuck in the same rut.

 

How many excuses do we give ourselves?

How many excuses do we give ourselves so we don’t care or fall in love with someone?  I have even lied to myself before, but why do we have to make these excuses?   Some of these excuses are:

1.  I have been hurt too many times

2.  I have trust issues

3.  I don’t have time

4.  I’m not ready to love

With all these excuses, we stop ourselves from being truly happy.  Everyone has doubts at times, but all we have to do is open ourselves to some special people that show us that they are there for us.  We have to forget our past and move on, what one person did to us another one might not.  If  we don’t open our hearts and give love a chance,  we might wish that we had opened our hearts because that person was the one that would make us happy.  The worst excuse I have ever heard from anyone was, all men/women are the same.  That is so far from the truth,  not everyone is the same we are all individuals.  If we feel that way, we must change who we associate with or open ourselves to.  We might be attracted to a certain type of person, but if that type of person has us feeling like everyone is the same then we must change and go outside our comfort zone.

In order to be happy and to fall in love,  we must forget the past and open ourselves to new opportunities.  We need to stop lying to ourselves or make excuses for ourselves not to fall in love.  Everyone’s biggest fear is to be alone, no matter what we tell ourselves we don’t want to not make a connection with someone.  We want to feel a connection on any level, whether it be friendship or sexual.  The thing is,  when things start getting deeper we will start making our excuses to back out.  Live, love, and laugh open yourself to new possibilities you never know the next person might be the greatest love of your life.

Dealing with Debilitating Depression

de·pres·sion

noun \di-ˈpre-shən, dē-\

Definition of DEPRESSION

2
: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as

a : a pressing down : lowering

(1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies

(1) : a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2) :a lowering of vitality or functional activity

3
: a depressed place or part : hollow
Millions of Americans suffer from debilitating depression, no matter what their lifestyle is.  I am one of the millions, and I’m here to tell you that this really does hurt, as the commercial said.  The not wanting to get out of bed for days because you don’t see the point, the constant crying over how hopeless things are,  the not eating , sleeping, or even showering.  This disease hurts more then anything.   I know that you are thinking “Wow  your life is going good right now.” , when you suffer from depression it doesn’t matter all it takes is one set back and you are back in that hole again.
I know that I have a wonderful fiance and that life is good, but the chemicals in my brain are messed up.  Whether people know it or not, that is the major cause of depression, and it takes meds to regulate the chemicals.  I take my meds religiously every morning with my coffee, I don’t dare not too.  See I suffer from Bi Polar disorder,  I have really high highs and really low lows.  Sometimes my lows are violent, and I seriously hate everything and everyone.  I would rather not go there again, I even hate myself, which I know you might think is bad.
I never suffered from any of this until they cracked my head open so man times, when they did it caused the imbalance in my head.   Now I am doomed to suffer from this the rest of my life.  I wish that I could go back and change things, tell my past self to go to the dang doctor before this all happened, then maybe I wouldn’t suffer so much.  Since there is no way of doing that, I guess I will take the knocks as they come and try my hardest to pull myself up by the bootstraps.  For right now,  I am going to curl up next to my fiance and go back to sleep and hopefully I can wake up to a better day.

Warning venemous anger and uncontrollable rage

I hate you, I hate the way you made me feel. I hate the way you discarded me with anger when I only loved you. I hate that you are a hypocrite of the enth degree. I hate that you are doing to someone else that you did to me. I hate that you made me love you, changed me, and then left me like nothing. I hate you for making me feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. I did absolutely nothing to you but what a woman should and I can’t say that enough.

I am worthy, in fact someone already deems that so. I am loved just not by you, which at this point is good. I am wanted, by many in fact. More so I am beautiful the way I am, I am intelligent, I will still care for my work. What you have done is ruined me, I can’t feel anything but hate, betrayal, and anger. I can’t even begin to think about opening my heart to anyone. I am ruined for life because one person calling me friend, then love LIED. You didn’t keep my heart safe, you smashed it into little tiny pieces. You could have given a rats ass as to the fact that I worked for you, I bled for you, I hurt for you.

I know now that men like you have deep seated issues, and having a good strong woman like me will make you run every time. You can’t handle it, you’re a coward. Well I will not ever do it again, and again I have showed you that, in truth, I am better then you.

I’M A SURVIVOR AND YOU CAN NOT LIVE UP TO WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH, NOR WILL YOU EVER BE ABLE TO STAND AS I HAVE STOOD. YOU WILL FAIL, YOU WILL FALL, AND NO ONE WILL BE THERE TO CATCH YOU IN THE END. You have lost your safety net, so enjoy the ride down.

I feel the storm clouds gathering

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I feel the storm clouds gathering on the horizon and I can’t stop them. I am tired of fighting for what I want, I have done it for so long I just want to lay down my weapons and let someone else fight. I love too much, care too much, give everything I have to the special people and there is nothing left for me.  Why can’t someone fight for me, why can’t someone actually say to me that they love me unconditionally.  Why do I always get the harsh treatment, why am I always left behind wondering why I even tried.  Most of all why is there no one out there that can love me period.

Why is it I always feel the sting and bite of the sword named heartbreak run through me.  Why must I always cry out as the lightning strikes and the rain falls.  Why must I always have to gather the pieces of a shattered and broken heart after the storm is over.  Is there anyone at all that can save me, is there anyone at all that can shelter me from the storm?  If you don’t want to shelter me, give me peace just let me skip the storm.  Let the rain come, but let the thunder and lightning not strike.  Just set me adrift of calm waters, and wish me the best.  I will not plea for safe haven again, I will just drift into my nothingness.

If you wish to give me safe haven then tell me so.  If you wish to calm the storm clouds that are brewing then lift your hand and do so.  If you wish to love me unconditionally then tell me so.  If you wish me to stay into your port then please tell me, I will stay away from the storm.  I just need to know something, anything to make the storm go away.  I beg of you to make the storm go away, I can only fight the driving rain for so long alone.   I await your answer, I await the new day dawning where the sun shines and the storm is gone.

A day of sadness turns into a day of revival

After finding out one of my closest cousins was killed in an accident this summer and the death of two other Aunts, my full blooded sister and I sat down and had a summit so to speak.  We are all that is left of the Robert Wright Family, we need to bury our hatchets once and for all.  The good thing was I didn’t initiate the contact, she did.   We talked for two and a half hours on facebook IM, and some new information came to light that finally made the ice between us crack, break, and thaw. I have never felt so close to my sister as I did tonight, and the tears were evident through the whole conversation.

It is no secret that I was molested as a child by an uncle, well I had also blocked  out from my psyche another incident which she reminded me of.  It was one of my fathers friends, and he was caught red handed.  I thought my sister had been untouched by any of this family drama, I was so wrong.  My sister let me know that she too was molested by two family members.  This little information coupled with the epiphany that we were molested by the same individual and the death of a family member has my mind reeling in a direction that I am not too sure of.

I’m confused at the fact that I had no recollection of the second incident.  Did I block it out or did I lose it when I had the brain meltdown? What I do know since she reminded me of it I am getting flash backs of it.  Which is somewhat good I guess, maybe I can process everything the same time.  She said that she wished that she would have said something about the molestation that she went through, then I could have been saved from it.  I reassured her that she couldn’t have known that I would be next on his hit list.

We have revived a long dead sisterhood, it is the one bright ray of sunlight in a very hard and rough day.  The anger and animosity between us is gone, we talked like true sisters.  There is no more fighting after 40 some odd years, we are on the right road to doing one thing and that is reviving family.  What truly messes me up is a bunch of white men did nothing but ruin two sisters emotionally.  Worse yet, some were family and that is just unfathomable.  They say that black men are bad but that is far from the truth.  I have never heard of a black man EVER molesting a child.

I know I have a lot to process still and a lot of tears yet to fall.  I guess it is time to just let god take control and have him tell me what is right.